In a shocking move, the City of Hoboken has announced a sweeping set of new rules regarding the city’s many bars and restaurants as part of an ongoing response to the rising levels of chaos surrounding Hoboken’s nightlife.
The city handed down the most severe punishments in Hoboken bar history last month, suspending several bars and closing down 1-Republik altogether over violent altercations between patrons and police. The city’s move came in response to violations including allowing underage drinking and fighting as well as overserving patrons who were clearly too drunk.
The city is now doing something about that last problem: Starting April 1st, if you head out to any bar in Hoboken after 6PM you’ll be required to provide proof of residency—that’s right, no out-of-towners allowed—as well as proof of liability insurance (in case you cause property damage). Additionally, all patrons will have to submit to a Breathalyzer test administered by Hoboken police officers at the door. If you blow a BAC over the legal limit of 0.08, you will be turned away.
The new moves are understandably controversial. One bar owner, speaking under condition of anonymity because he believes the city has spies who patrol the bars at night, said “These new rules will ruin Hoboken. There will be no more fighting in the streets, which will ruin the illegal bookie business I run on the side. Who’s going to climb up the lampposts and declare they’re a Golden God? Who’s going to steal a police car and joyride up and down Washington Street now? These new rules are going to make Hoboken into Bayonne.”
Similar concerns were on the minds of local residents enjoying some day drinking at the Mills Tavern, one of the bars suspended during Leprecon. “Rumor is that the Green Rock is going to become a Tea Shop, serving tiny sandwiches and, you know, tea,” said one older man, hoisting a pint of Black Dynomite. “And Texas Arizona is going to become a combination realty-mobile phone-poke bowl place.”
The new rules also come with serious consequences for those who seek to get around them. Patrons trying to use a resident’s identification or fake IDs in order to get into the bars will be arrested, driven to the Hudson River, and thrown in. Bars that are found to have non-residents or inebriated patrons will be instantly converted into yet another pizza restaurant.
“Can’t have enough pizza joints,” said one city official, wiping his mouth with a greasy napkin.
Resistance is already being organized, with a protest march being organized online, but one thing is for sure: April will be the driest month ever in Hoboken, assuming the town isn’t burned to the ground in the ensuing riots. Anyone seeking a drink will have to purchase insurance, bring an ID, and breathe into a tube. Or go to Jersey City.
**Sorry. Not A Real Story. Happy April First**