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Welcome to the Era of Big Food in Hoboken

These days the word on the street is that Jersey City has overtaken Hoboken in several important nightlife areas—our sprawling neighbor has more interesting restaurants and a more varied and diverse downtown bar and foodie scene. There are a lot of theories as to how this happened, ranging from restrictive zoning laws to the arcane way liquor licenses are handled, but whether you agree with this or not there’s one thing you can’t take away from Hoboken: We have the biggest food anywhere.

Now, eating a meal that is by any measure intended for two or more adult humans is usually only something you’ll consider when very, very drunk, but of course that’s not exactly unusual in our fair city. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that we have several monumental—and somewhat disturbing—food options if you’re, say, hungry enough to eat ten thousand calories in one sitting (pro tip: Take the next day off). Let’s take a magical tour of the Big Food Hoboken offers.

Benny Tudinos

Starting at the obvious, you have Benny’s, which has for years had as a key element of its brand the concept of pizza slices so large they actually use a human baby as a calibration. These slices are famous (and famously delicious), and affordable, but you should really only order one if you literally haven’t eaten all day, because otherwise these slices will destroy you.

The Jumbo Bagel

THIRTY. POUNDS.

Recently, O’Bagel’s unveiled what may be the most unnecessary menu item ever created: A 30 pound bagel. They claim this was developed (and yes, it’s actually a bagel, made the same way all the hand-sized bagels are made) to compete with the party subs that most delis offer. The Jumbo Bagel is, of course, a bagel sandwich of gigantic proportions, and O’Bagel offers pre-selected versions but can—and will—make it any way you want. As a party sub alternative we’ll allow it.

The Double

It’s easy to forget Arthur’s, our durable, old-school steakhouse with the surprisingly decent bar experience. It’s also easy to forget they offer a monumental 48 ounce steak. Now, in a world where Ward’s House of Prime in Milwaukee offers a 176 ounce steak on its menu (we are not kidding, though we really, really wish we were) that might not seem so big. All we can say to that is, try to eat one by yourself and then tell us it’s not huge.

The Taco Pizza

Yes, that’s guac in the middle.

Just when you thought you were out, Tony Boloney’s pulls you back in with the horrifyingly intriguing Taco Pizza. It’s exactly what it says: A pizza. With tacos on top. Lots of tacos. Hey, this thing went viral in a big way, so mission accomplished. If anyone orders this sober, we’d be amazed—which isn’t a knock on Tony Boloney’s, which is delicious, but rather the idea that a pizza topped with tacos is ever a good gastrointestinal choice (hint: It is not).

So, next time you’re hungry (or, say, you and several of your friends and possibly a large bear are hungry), you have your choices. Let’s hope this trend expands, because who doesn’t want humonguous pancakes, or gigantic rolls of sushi?

mm

Jeffrey Somers

Staff Writer • Jeff Somers (jeffreysomers.com) is the author of 9 novels including We Are Not Good People (wearenotgoodpeople.com) and the publisher of The Inner Swine (innerswine.com). Jeff may be reach at [email protected] . Follow him on Twitter at @jeffreysomers .



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